Its been 2 years that I haven’t wrote things down on my website. I’ve been busy with 2 jobs, making ends meet, paying bills, and helping my family. These last 2 years were nothing but obstacles for me to overcome. The problem about these obstacles was how to deal with them. In those 2 years, I have experienced alcohol and drugs. Depression was my deadliest enemy. When I suffered in depression, I used alcohol and drugs to solve my answers instead of looking up to GOD for answers. Throughout my depression, I told myself that I had no value in my life and I just want to die. I tried so many ways to end my life. For instance, shoving 3 bottles of vodka down my throat. I passed out without breathing for 4 hours; Nobody could not revive me. I thought I was going to die at the age 21. “Man!!! that is so young!!!” I cheated death three times. Every time I try to end my life, it never works. Being in debt, losing my friends, parents separation, alcohol poisoning, procrastination and drug overdose really got the best of me these past 2 years. Every time i try to work, I couldn’t focus. I was too guilty for what I have done. I just want to be away from people. I just want to be away from California period. However, God has not been letting me do that. Throughout that time, God has been there with me every step of the way even when I did not see him. It seems He does not want me die yet. He has plans for me. I ask God how can I get through and deal with this depression? So I decided to go back to church. After the morning service, I stayed back and talk to Pastor about my problems. He really helped me!!! Every time we talk, he mention bible verses that would help me get through my problems. On my phone, I installed a daily bible verse widget so I can read it everyday and help me be positive day. After 2 years of experiencing personal hell, I stop drinking, stop doing drugs, renew my relationship with my friends, and renew my relationship with My GOD. I remember this verse that Pastor mention in out talks, “Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all.” Ps. 34:19 . Another quote that inspire me was from The Karate Kid, “Life will knock us down, but we can choose matter or not to get back up.” . Now, I am at peace with God and myself, I am happy of where I am at, and enjoying life. If I ever go through this again, I go to God for help, go to the people that I loved, and read God’s word. I hope all of you can learn something from this. I am a deep philosophical thinker. I like to write my feelings out. I am open-minded about everything. So whenever you have obstacles in front of you, always remember these three sayings: “Rise Above, Never Give Up, and Never Back Down.”
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Choose GOD or Not GOD
In the past month and a half, Pastor Thomas has preached on a series called “Contrasting Extremes from Psalm 1.” All I got to say that these series of message has put me to the point to ask myself, “Where Am I with Christ?” “Am I choosing GOD or Not GOD?” Pastor Thomas mentioned the differences of what ” GOD or Not GOD” is. When a person choose “Not GOD”, he or she keep being influenced by the world and opposed GOD. Choosing “GOD” is when a person follows GOD, willing to serve/spread the gospel, and helping people to become more Christ-Like. In Psalms 1, David explains the progression of a wicked person in the 1st verse. It shows that people who opposed GOD wants to have there own voice, open to an influence that is not GOD, and leads to an influence to where they are. Whats really interesting was that everywhere we are or where we go, we are influence because of the environment we are in. For example, If I go to a club and spent time with friends, yet I do not drink or smoke; I am still influence because of choosing the friends I spent and the environment took place. “Everytime we choose Not GOD, we sin.” Pastor Thomas also mentioned that the idea of God’s word being a delight IS the key to you being influenced by God rather than NOT God. One quote that I was convicted in was, “You can’t claim the promises of God, if you don’t revere and delight in the BOOK they’re contained in.” As I look back in my 5 years of personal/spiritual struggle, I know that deep down in my heart that I am willingly to serve God not matter hard my life really is. However, there this part of me that want to go out clubbing, dancing, and partying with friends. Yet, I am obligated to do what is right. For example, my friends ask me to go out to a bar, I told them to go without me. I’m happy that I did the right thing not going to a bar, yet I am not happy. The reason why I’m not happy is because of my attitude. I must have the joy of doing the right thing. I will always remember this quote: “Your Attitude will define who you really are.” …………… Part 2 of this Blog will be coming soon!!!!!
Removing the Veil
Trying to overcome my personal demons is difficult; however, it is possible to win. There comes a time in my walk with Christ, where I hear his word in certain days, but the rest the days I don’t. I got to admit that it is hard to keep following after God, being hungry for God, and thirst for His Words; when there is something stopping me from doing it. The past couple of weeks, I have been reading this book “The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer” that Pastor Matt gave me. Once a month, Pastor Matt and the rest of the people, who have the book, get together in his house and talk about it. I go to say it is nothing I expected. Many people that I know were talking about their personal struggle and their walk with Christ. When I finish reading the 3rd chapter, it got me answering this question, “What is stopping me to draw closer to God?” The answer was my self-pity, self-love, arrogance, and self-righteousness. As much as I am willingly to serve God, I always have an excuse not to do it. If I keep sinning against God, I cannot be near Him; because He hates sin. We all deserve to die, but Jesus took his own life and let us live. The Veil symbolizes the blockage; we cannot be near Him. However, when Jesus gave up the ghost, the veil was ripped from top to bottom. We have the unlimited passage to draw closer to God. The point what I am trying to say. I cannot let anything block me from following after God; no matter how hard my life is. When I am in school, it is hard to resist the temptations; however, I let it overwhelm me. I cannot let that happen. I have too ask myself what would happen if I gave in to the temptation. I made mistakes in my life, but I learn from those mistakes and it helps me grow spiritually in Christ. My purpose in life is to keep serving God, thirst for His Word; no matter how hard my life is.
Psalm 63
“O God, you are my God; earnestly I will seek you; my soul thirst for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”
In Sunday school, Pastor Thomas, my youth pastor, has been preaching a series about the Sovereignty of God. David try to escape the wrath of King Saul. While David was hiding in the mountains with his men, he had no where else to go. If he return to Saul, Saul would kill him. He want to give up hope. However, David pray to God saying in Psalm 63. When I first heard that verse, it kept me thinking about my life. It really bites when you are thinking about a verse that really convicts you. I look back in my life to see what kept me from not being with God. I have a dysfunctional family. My Dad is an alcoholic, Mom is Bi-Polar, and my younger brother, Alex, is naturally born autistic. These were my burdens!!! Four years ago, I remember see my Mom and Dad fight all the time. It really makes me mad. No matter how many times I try to help, the more I fail. But then I remember what Pastor Thomas quote in Psalm 63. I was convicted by the words that David said in the Bible. I come to the point in my life if I want to keep serving God or not serving at all. I wanted to give up hope. Pastor Thomas always told me to keep seeking GOD, thirst for GOD, and hunger for GOD. Throughout my daily life, I keep seeking God. No matter how hard my obstacles would be.
Overcoming My Personal Demons
Throughout my life, I have come face to face with my many personal demons. Those demons were difficult to overcome. After my parents were separated, my life came crashing down like an AK47 ending my life. I pray and ask GOD to put my family together, but He didn’t answer my prayer. So I spit in the face of GOD and told Him to stay out of my life. My Anger, Bitterness, Frustration, and Rage push GOD away. I left the church and started to do things outside of the church and my home. I hang out with the wrong type of people, dress inappropriately, spoke foul and abusive language, stealing, and worst of all… “LIE”. I though I was happy being a bad person; however, I was not happy at all. At home, I hear my parents yelling and arguing every time when I am around. Whenever I hear them yelling, my anger and rage burst up and tell my parents to stop it. I snapped within an instant. I said things that I cannot take back. I have to leave every time when this conflict happens. However, I regret everything I said to them. I burst out in tears every time when I argue with my Mom and Dad. It has been 2 years that I suffer through this anger and frustration. This was my personal demons. I thought was about to give up and die. Yet, my spirit tell me to never give up and overcome my personal demons. The only way to overcome it was to repent. Repent to GOD!! I was not happy about repenting, yet I have too. I repent to GOD about the sins that I made, saying things I should not said, and lying to the people that I care and love. I let the Holy Spirit to help me calm my emotions and overcome my demons. I rededicated my life with GOD and came back to church. No matter how many demons I face, I will always find a way to overcome it.
Living Life With Passion
Passion can be define in many ways. Passion is a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything, an instance or experience of strong love, or any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate. John Piper says, “God created us to live with a single passion: to joyfully display his supreme excellence in all the spheres of life. The wasted life is the life without this passion. God calls us to pray, think, dream, plan, and work not to be made much of, but to make him in every part of our lives.” The way I define passion is enjoying performing in front of the audience. I have been singing since I was 6. I love singing!!! Singing is my life and everything!!! However, I change my way of thinking about meaning of passion. When I read the book, “Don’t Waste You Life” by John Piper, I was convicted by the words that he wrote. I began to have doubt about my passion for God. I thought I understand about using my gift and enjoying because I love to do it, but I was wrong. I must use the talent that He gave me to glorify and joyfully display His supreme excellence in all of the spheres of life. John Piper also says, “Most people slip by in life without passion for God, spending their lives on trivial diversions, living for comfort and pleasure, and perhaps trying to avoid sin.” I use to live with that type of passion. Now I use my passion to serve the Lord and have a personal relationship with Him. Even though I struggle living in double lives, I keep my head high on God. I am not perfect!! Nobody is perfect!! Only Jesus Christ is!! Jesus came to earth to die for us so that we can live. If we do not understand about the passion of Jesus Christ and His purpose, we are living in a wasted life.
My 3 D’s of Life
The 3 words that you see in my homepage are: Desire, Discipline, and Determination. Those 3 words have a meaning in my life. Desire means having a passion in something that you love. I love to serve the Lord by serving others. For instance, I enjoy working at Bethel Baptist Church/Schools. I use to go to Bethel for nearly 10 years. I love being around with these people. I also love being part in the music ministry with my mentor, Danny Thomas. Determination means having a purpose in life. My purpose is serving the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. When there is struggle, I will not give up and fulfill God’s purpose. Discipline means being accountable to one other. For instance, We look out for each other. When we are behind, we help each other by being responsible to one other.
